i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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