Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
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Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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