Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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