you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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