walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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