My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize