Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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