just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize