He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
zippers are such a cool invention
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Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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