so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize