I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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