I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
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Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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