I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize