then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
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Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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