and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he was CRYING into my vagina
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
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do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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