If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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