Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
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