where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
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Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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