she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize