the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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