wakey wakey hands off snakey
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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