I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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