I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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