You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
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Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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