if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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