You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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