He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize