you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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