i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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I intend to get homeless drunk
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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