Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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