you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
