When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
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VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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