I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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