She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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