The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
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Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
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Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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