Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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