between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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