i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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