i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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