I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize