He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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