He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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