Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
either way he was missing a nipple.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
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You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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