1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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