I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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