I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize