And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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