some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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