Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize