So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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